Old-fashioned Perv

ABSTINENCE, BALANCE, MARRIAGE

Does it make any sense for me to abstain from sex, or try to abstain from it?  Not going overboard is a form of partial abstinence.  Not masturbating all the time is a good thing. Not wasting time is a good thing.  Getting things done, without getting distracted by sex, is a good thing.  Keeping up with the basic requirements of living and having a home is a good thing.  Getting distracted by sex and spending a lot of time on it tends not to be a good thing.  Things that ought to get done get neglected when I spend too much time on sex.  Sometimes, I masturbate too much.

Spirituality.  Writing.  Sex.  It’s kind of presumptuous for me to talk about spirituality, but it’s been a big part of my life.  It’s been a big part of the way I have lived my life.  Even horny guys can have spiritual insights and aspirations.  I dare say most mortals have had to put their sexuality into perspective with regard to spiritual things.  It’s difficult to talk about sex and to know how others assimilate it into their lives.  Marriage is the dominant method of assimilating sex for most men and women.  Marriage puts sex into the perspective of a traditional, well-defined human relationship, which includes roles, stages, rules, obligations, and rituals.  There is security and stability in the marriage relationship, which provides a template for men and women to enjoy life and handle its challenges together.  Marriage tends to make life better for most people.

Will I ever get married?  I doubt it.  I’m too old.  I’ve dropped the ball too many times.  I like sex with guys too much, which could change upon meeting a compatible woman.  I have the ability and the freedom to change, depending on the circumstances of my poor, little life.  I’m not aggressive enough about relationships.  I don’t date, I’ve never dated.  I’ve never pursued relationships ardently with men or women.  I’ve never like the idea of pushing myself at people for friendship or sex.  Sometimes, I fear that I have not been aggressive, or self-assertive, enough about the things that matter to me, the things that matter in life.  I have drifted too much.  I have been too passive.  I have waited too long for the good things in life to come to me, rather than going out and getting them.  I should have tried harder, I should have done more, but I was never good at promoting myself.  I didn’t know how to do it.  I was not confident about doing it.  I didn’t know who to go to or what I should say.  I’m a mess, a sad story, a mediocre man, a disappointment.  O Lord, is there anything I can do now to make things better?  Do I still have the ability to improve?  Is there any potential for success left in me?  Help me to see and do the right things, Father.  Help me to be a better man.

Sex is not my top priority.  I want to put it into perspective and keep it there while I do other things.  I don’t mind being mediocre, as long as I know that I’ve done all that I know how to do to get it right.  Life doesn’t guarantee success, it just provides the venue for endeavor.  Win or lose, it’s up to me to get through life according to my own intelligence and ability.  It’s up to me to do the work that needs to be done.  It’s up to me to bear up under difficulties and not be defeated by disappointment.  Disappointed maybe, defeated never.  I have never demanded that life make a great man out of me.  I have never been that conceited.  I have always thought that there was something different or special about me, but not in a conceited or boastful way.  Just the facts, ma’am.  And, being different doesn’t necessarily make a man great.  I can still be conscious of my singularity without achieving great success or distinction.  Generally, I have not tried hard to impress others with my personality.  I have always believed and tried to practice live and let live.  To live and let live, without clamor for distinction or recognition; to wait on divine Love; to write Truth first on the tablet of one’s own heart,--this is the sanity and perfection of living, and my human ideal.  On the one hand, I think that I have not tried hard enough, and on the other, that it is not good to try too hard, it is not good to make a spectacle of oneself, it is repulsive and unproductive to be conceited.  Where’s the balance?  I want to balance the need to promote good ideas against the temptation to exaggerate my own importance.  Christian Science helps me to find the balance.

Me Again!

FATHER-MOTHER, SEX, FRIENDSHIP

O Father!  It’s me again.  Sorry to bother you.  I feel like I’ve spent my whole life bothering you.  I’m sorry for so many things.  If I knew how, if I had the power to make things better, to make things right, for myself and others, I would have.  But, I don’t have the power.  Maybe the power to make things a little better, to share the journey, to shoulder the burdens, but not to make it all right.  Believe me, I wish that I did.  I’m a poor, sad, old, mortal man.  What do you want from me?  What can you expect from me?  What do I even have to offer to anyone?  I’m old and tired and sad and lonely.  Thoughts linger on my mind.  Spirituality.  Writing.  Sex.  I love to think and pray.  I love to worship Father-Mother God.  To sing, to laugh, to dream, to walk in my own way and be alone, free, with an eye to see things as they are.  I’m tired, Father.  I’ve tried so hard with so many different things, and what have I accomplished?  Not much.  I am a mediocrity.  I am a little man, and I would be smaller still if I could.  I don’t even live a full, wholesome life.  I don’t live the good life that most other people seem to live.  I don’t even keep a clean house.  Sometimes, it feels like I’m barely keeping body and soul together.  I’m sick, tired, sad, and lonely.

I’m not especially concerned about sex, am I?  I’ve never let sex bother me too much have I?  I mean, I’ve always been a sexual deviant.  I’ve always been sexually attracted to other guys.  That’s nothing new.  Sometimes,  I do get fed up with sex and want nothing to do with it.  I’ve known all along that it’s not the be all and end all.  How could it be?  It isn’t the ultimate issue for anyone, whether they know it or not.  Sexual preference isn’t the ultimate issue for anyone, whether they know it or not.  What is the ultimate issue?  Do I know?  Do I know how to live my life?  Do I know how to help you to live yours?

O, Father-Mother, help me to be a whole and happy human being.  Help me to achieve my human potential, whatever it is.  Sex isn’t that big a deal.  We all adjust to it or with it, depending on our unique experiences and inclinations.  Most of us manage to assimilate it into a functional human personality.  It may not be normal, traditional, moral, or conventional, but it works for me.  It gets me through the day and night.  It has propelled me through my lifetime.  I had thought, and even hoped, that I might outgrow sex.  I didn’t want to have to deal with sex, especially my aberrant sense of it.  I didn’t want sex to be an issue for me, but it always has been, and I have not discovered the way to nullify it.  I’m tired.  I’m old and fat.  I’m discouraged.  Sex is not a pretty thing for someone my age.  It’s really not a pretty thing for anyone.  Sex is not kind, sweet, affectionate.  It’s selfish.  Sex tends to selfishness.  Sex is the highest form of affection and approval that some people know how to give to another.  People tend to understand or relate to sex.  People associate sex with affection, which can be an unfortunate assumption to make.  But, it’s easy and convenient to reduce affection to sex, and our popular culture does it all the time.  People do it all the time. Sex is like water:  Insidious, it seeps in and can be difficult to contain.

I tried over many years to hold myself and others to a higher standard.  I’m not sure what I accomplished by doing so, but I tried to distinguish affection, friendship, and relationship from sexuality in my own experience.  Quixotic.  Lonely.  Obsolete.  Counterproductive?  Narrow?  I don’t know.  Did I do the right thing?  What did I achieve?  How different would things have been for me if I had not been so narrow about sex?  How did we get to the point where sex became so determinative of individual experience?  How did we get to the point where sex became so powerful over human life?  Has it always been?  What is the significance of contemporary sexuality?  What does it mean?  How has it affected my life?  It’s kind of late for me to be experimenting with and exploring sexual potential.  I’m kind of old for that.  I’m kind of fat and unappealing for that.  But, after all this time, after all I’ve been through, sex is still here.  The thing I like about sex is that it brushes by personal idiosyncrasies to an intense personal engagement with the other.  Sex is not delicate.  Sex isn’t picky.  Sex covers a multitude of sins.  Sex isn’t shy.  Sex breaks through shyness.  Sex breaks through barriers.  Whether that is a good thing or not, I don’t know.  Aren’t reserve and circumspection good qualities for men and women to have?  Isn’t it good to keep some things private?  Can we balance the longing to connect with the dignity of privacy?  Can we connect meaningfully with other human beings and be dignified men and women?