SUFFERING, SAINTHOOD, HUMANITY
What happened to me, Lord? What happened to my life? It hasn’t turned out the way I had thought or hoped it would. It hasn’t turned out to be much of anything. Sex—the big bugaboo. Sex the mystery. Sex the big stumbling block. Naiveté. There are few people who are more naïve than I am. Sincerity and naiveté join forces to take a poor man nowhere.
Sex, whether I liked it or not, was always a big thing for me. I couldn’t get away from it in one form or another, and it’s still creeping around the margins of my life. If it could, it would work its way into the core of my being and take over. I doubt that I’ll let it take over but, after all these years, I still haven’t kicked it out. Celibacy, marriage, and casual sex. Choices. Celibacy is for saints, and I’m not a saint. Sainthood isn’t all about sex. Just because a man abstains from sex doesn’t make him a saint. People reduce everything to the lowest common denominator. Sexual abstinence is equated with holiness. Sexual indulgence is sin, and sexual deviance is wicked.
I would like to be a saint, but I am not. I’m not sure exactly what I am, but I’m not a saint. There’s a difference between catching a glimpse of yourself as spiritual idea and being a saint. I might have a sense of spiritual truth, but sainthood is conferred not claimed. There’s no such thing as a self-appointed saint. Mankind selects those for whom it has special reverence and elevates them to sainthood. The rest of us merely fend for ourselves in an indifferent, unfriendly world, buoyed by our spiritual intuition and
the struggle to be always good. There’s nothing wrong with pursuing the spiritual life without worldly approbation or acclaim. One does not enter the spiritual path to win wealth, fame, and worldly approval. There are better ways to get rich quick. The spiritual way is peace, love, joy, and blessedness. Spirit is health and happiness. It doesn’t guarantee success or prosperity. We live in the world, but are not of it. Love God, and share his blessings with others summarizes the spiritual life.
It is possible, not probable, for me to be celibate. Going without sex is not my highest priority. Maybe it should be, but it never has been. That partly explains where I’m at in the world. Sometimes I think I should do more with sex than less. I like the idea of exploring the potential for sexual relationships. I seem to have reached a dead end with regular relationships. There’s got to be more to life than this. I could be very wrong, but I’ll give it a shot and make a correction if I have to. Sexual adventurism and experimentation. I should have done it a long time ago. I’m kind of old to be getting into this stuff now. But, I've always been a late bloomer and boys still like me.
