Abraham obeyed by faith.

SUBSTANCE, OBEDIENCE, BLESSING, ART

What does the world see when it looks at me?  Old, fat, sick, and tired.  What do I have to offer that anyone in the world would want?  But, it’s still a blessing to oneself and others to be good and do the right thing.  Alright, I’m not going to change the world, and people aren’t beating a path to my door.  But, it’s still good for me and a blessing to others to study Christian Science, pray, commune with the divine Mind, be good, and do good.  It’s good to be calm, clear, inspired, and kind.  It’s good to look for ways to be a blessing to others.  It’s good to do the right thing, and to adhere to a moral code.  It’s good to be not afraid in the midst of confusion, uncertainty, lack, and discord.  It is good to obey God and venture forth like father Abraham to an unknown place and depend on the substance of Spirit to sustain one there.  The challenge is to do one’s part in the world, however small and undistinguished it might be, and abide in the consoling and invigorating substance of Mind at the same time.  Conscientious participation in the human story and inspired awareness of spiritual substance work together.  Learn to exercise the creative process of writing in the context of human endeavor with spiritual intent.  Writing isn’t everything, but it is something worth pursuing even if only as a pastime.  And, if it’s worth pursuing, it’s worth learning how to do it well.  Writing.  Trying to write.  Not writing.

What's It Worth?

ABDULLAH, COY, SERVANT, FOOL

Let’s not be either coy or dishonest. I’m a homosexual. I’ve been a homosexual for a long time. Homosexuality is my sexuality. Homosexuality is the sex I want. Homosexuality is the sex I desire. I’m not saying that my sexual position or orientation is right or moral; I’m simply saying that it’s what I am. For what it’s worth . . .  I’m not trying to teach anyone. I’m just a big blabber-mouth. I spend time writing. I spend time trying to write. I spend time doing other stuff than writing. Matthew and Elias. It was all Elias at first, but Matthew has come forward. Matthew has stepped up. There’s no fool like an old fool, and I’m an old fool. It took me a long time to learn that guys were more interested in having sex with me than they were in plumbing the depths of my intellect or spirituality. It has taken me a long time to learn how the world works. It has taken me a long time to learn what men are like and what they want. I want sex and relationships on my terms. I want to make decisions about the relationships I have with men in my life. I don’t want to be the butt of other people’s decisions about me. I want to have some say about the way my life turns out. It has taken me a long time to see that spirituality is a personal choice and a way of life. It’s not a career. Spirituality is not a career choice. It’s a way of life choice. Spirituality isn’t what one does to win others over. It’s not a popularity contest. I don’t devote myself to spiritual things with the thought that others should take note. I can’t control how others see me. I can’t require that other people see me the way I see myself. Each of us views the world through a personal lens. I made decisions about my life. I made decisions about how to live my life. I did what I thought was best. I did what I thought was right. I have always tried to do the right thing. I have not always known what the right thing is.

I'm a masturbator.

MASTURBATION, BEATING OFF, BOYS & MEN

My name's Bruce and I'm a masturbator. I like to jerk off with other guys, and guys like jerking off with me. I use the phone sex line 605-475-6720 (code: 401315), which used to be BateNation, but is now a generic jo line. I don't know who owns or maintains it. There was a guy on recently who drives to a school parking lot and jerks off watching the boys playing on the sports field. He keeps a cum rag handy in the car. I talked to a married guy this morning who learned about sex and masturbation as a boy on his own. He wishes that he had learned about it with another boy. He wishes that he could have shared the pleasure and intensity of sexual discovery with a friend. He calls himself a breeder because he's married, but the thought of physical contact and mutual masturbation with another man excites him. He wants to have a discreet relationship of mutual sexual interest with another man.

What do I want? I'm not sure. I've been a masturbator for a long time. I've been sexually attracted to other men for a long time. I learned about masturbation and same-sex attraction simultaneously. I didn't know anything about sex and I was not especially attracted to other boys until Rusty Barnes and his brother Jimmy showed me how to "beat my meat." Sex changed my life. It opened my eyes to a world of possibilities. From then on I wanted to have sex with other boys. I wanted to find out how to meet them for mutual masturbation. I wanted to develop my skills at enticing other boys to jerk off with me. It's not hard to get boys to jerk off with you. The trick is to go where they are and signal clearly that you want it. Boys will jerk off together at the drop of hat. Young men and adults need a green light before they engage sexually with each other. The signal has to be clear and unambiguous. Adult men don't want to be exposed or embarrassed, and will not jeopardize their reputations recklessly. But, they will jerk off with you.

The Dying Man

DEATH, DISABILITY, FAILURE, ENDURANCE

Death doesn't always come quickly. It can be an incremental process which fills in the cracks of one's fractured hopes and dreams. Its harbingers are the inability to keep up as well as one used to, denial of the evidence of incompetence, and loss of motivation. Death is preceded by the decline into weariness, exhaustion, idleness, and sleep. There is no recuperative process for the dying man, just the prolonged exhibition of disappointment and inadequacy. It is not even the failure to recover a full life. He never had a full life to recover. He never even knew what it meant to be whole and to live fully in the world. Fullness eluded his comprehension. It is the failure to recover a life that seemed to have a fighting chance, a life that seemed to be worth fighting for, even with its apparent flaws. A life worth getting up in the morning to pursue. A life for which to be well. He reached a point where he could see his life slipping away, and he knew that he would let it go graciously. He did not want to fuss over the process of letting go of his life. He wanted to find the right way to do it. He wanted to find the right way to die. The ultimate failure, the final disappointment, done well.

City of God

CITY, VIOLENCE, CITIZEN, SALVATION

The City of God is the New Jerusalem coming down from God out of heaven.

The spiritual reality is the scientific fact in all things. Prepare for the reign of Spirit, the kingdom of heaven,—the reign and rule of universal harmony. Understand that sickness is not real and that Truth can destroy its seeming reality, . . . for this understanding is the universal and perfect remedy. The realm of the real is Spirit. (Eddy, 1906)

Thou shalt call thy walls Salvation, and thy gates Praise (Isaiah 60).  Inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world (Matthew 25). Glorious things are spoken of thee, O city of God (Psalms 87). Abraham looked for a city which hath foundations, whose builder and maker is God (Hebrews 11).

To write freely and regularly is a blessing. Here I speak the truth and eschew foolishness and brutality. Here I say what is on my mind without fear. Here I cast my bread upon the waters. Here I am myself for better or worse. I want it to be for better, but it may not always be. Hubris, hatred, and violence are the hallmarks of our culture and our world. Foolishness, indifference, and mad ambition reign in the public square. The voices of wise and gentle souls are repressed. Getting one's way has been elevated above civility and the values of a free society. Brutality and self-promotion beat the drum and devise new and devious ways to enthrall and enslave the masses. And, in the midst of partisan depravity endorsed by aggressive fake news, normal people try to live their lives with a modicum of enjoyment. It isn't easy, but we do the best we can.

Talking to the Night

PEEPING, CHATTERING, TALKING

I am like a little bird peeping and chattering in the night. People hear me, but barely take notice. My tone is not sufficiently alarming to pierce the boundary of consciousness. But, I’m out there talking to the night. It’s the urge to talk, the need for expression which supersedes the notion that anyone wants to hear me. It’s the desire to communicate which transcends the understanding of what it is that others want to hear. I don’t know what you want. I barely know what I want. But, there are things I want to say, things that need to be said, even if I’m the only one who thinks so.

Exploring Parameters

ROMANCE, SEX, PUSSY BOYS

The key to sex is to pursue guys who are likely to be attracted to you. Don't waste time wooing guys who aren't interested in homosexual sex. Don't have crushes on pussy boys. Leave the boys alone who are afraid of being with other boys. Boys who find safety and security in sex with girls don't have the sense of adventure that I want in a friend and sex partner. Girls, marriage, fatherhood, family life—that's not my way. I chose not to live that way. I thought from the start that it was dishonest for a guy like me to live like that. I wanted sex and relationships with other guys. I wanted to be honest. I wanted to explore the parameters of loving men.