Old-fashioned Perv

ABSTINENCE, BALANCE, MARRIAGE

Does it make any sense for me to abstain from sex, or try to abstain from it?  Not going overboard is a form of partial abstinence.  Not masturbating all the time is a good thing. Not wasting time is a good thing.  Getting things done, without getting distracted by sex, is a good thing.  Keeping up with the basic requirements of living and having a home is a good thing.  Getting distracted by sex and spending a lot of time on it tends not to be a good thing.  Things that ought to get done get neglected when I spend too much time on sex.  Sometimes, I masturbate too much.

Spirituality.  Writing.  Sex.  It’s kind of presumptuous for me to talk about spirituality, but it’s been a big part of my life.  It’s been a big part of the way I have lived my life.  Even horny guys can have spiritual insights and aspirations.  I dare say most mortals have had to put their sexuality into perspective with regard to spiritual things.  It’s difficult to talk about sex and to know how others assimilate it into their lives.  Marriage is the dominant method of assimilating sex for most men and women.  Marriage puts sex into the perspective of a traditional, well-defined human relationship, which includes roles, stages, rules, obligations, and rituals.  There is security and stability in the marriage relationship, which provides a template for men and women to enjoy life and handle its challenges together.  Marriage tends to make life better for most people.

Will I ever get married?  I doubt it.  I’m too old.  I’ve dropped the ball too many times.  I like sex with guys too much, which could change upon meeting a compatible woman.  I have the ability and the freedom to change, depending on the circumstances of my poor, little life.  I’m not aggressive enough about relationships.  I don’t date, I’ve never dated.  I’ve never pursued relationships ardently with men or women.  I’ve never like the idea of pushing myself at people for friendship or sex.  Sometimes, I fear that I have not been aggressive, or self-assertive, enough about the things that matter to me, the things that matter in life.  I have drifted too much.  I have been too passive.  I have waited too long for the good things in life to come to me, rather than going out and getting them.  I should have tried harder, I should have done more, but I was never good at promoting myself.  I didn’t know how to do it.  I was not confident about doing it.  I didn’t know who to go to or what I should say.  I’m a mess, a sad story, a mediocre man, a disappointment.  O Lord, is there anything I can do now to make things better?  Do I still have the ability to improve?  Is there any potential for success left in me?  Help me to see and do the right things, Father.  Help me to be a better man.

Sex is not my top priority.  I want to put it into perspective and keep it there while I do other things.  I don’t mind being mediocre, as long as I know that I’ve done all that I know how to do to get it right.  Life doesn’t guarantee success, it just provides the venue for endeavor.  Win or lose, it’s up to me to get through life according to my own intelligence and ability.  It’s up to me to do the work that needs to be done.  It’s up to me to bear up under difficulties and not be defeated by disappointment.  Disappointed maybe, defeated never.  I have never demanded that life make a great man out of me.  I have never been that conceited.  I have always thought that there was something different or special about me, but not in a conceited or boastful way.  Just the facts, ma’am.  And, being different doesn’t necessarily make a man great.  I can still be conscious of my singularity without achieving great success or distinction.  Generally, I have not tried hard to impress others with my personality.  I have always believed and tried to practice live and let live.  To live and let live, without clamor for distinction or recognition; to wait on divine Love; to write Truth first on the tablet of one’s own heart,--this is the sanity and perfection of living, and my human ideal.  On the one hand, I think that I have not tried hard enough, and on the other, that it is not good to try too hard, it is not good to make a spectacle of oneself, it is repulsive and unproductive to be conceited.  Where’s the balance?  I want to balance the need to promote good ideas against the temptation to exaggerate my own importance.  Christian Science helps me to find the balance.

Me Again!

FATHER-MOTHER, SEX, FRIENDSHIP

O Father!  It’s me again.  Sorry to bother you.  I feel like I’ve spent my whole life bothering you.  I’m sorry for so many things.  If I knew how, if I had the power to make things better, to make things right, for myself and others, I would have.  But, I don’t have the power.  Maybe the power to make things a little better, to share the journey, to shoulder the burdens, but not to make it all right.  Believe me, I wish that I did.  I’m a poor, sad, old, mortal man.  What do you want from me?  What can you expect from me?  What do I even have to offer to anyone?  I’m old and tired and sad and lonely.  Thoughts linger on my mind.  Spirituality.  Writing.  Sex.  I love to think and pray.  I love to worship Father-Mother God.  To sing, to laugh, to dream, to walk in my own way and be alone, free, with an eye to see things as they are.  I’m tired, Father.  I’ve tried so hard with so many different things, and what have I accomplished?  Not much.  I am a mediocrity.  I am a little man, and I would be smaller still if I could.  I don’t even live a full, wholesome life.  I don’t live the good life that most other people seem to live.  I don’t even keep a clean house.  Sometimes, it feels like I’m barely keeping body and soul together.  I’m sick, tired, sad, and lonely.

I’m not especially concerned about sex, am I?  I’ve never let sex bother me too much have I?  I mean, I’ve always been a sexual deviant.  I’ve always been sexually attracted to other guys.  That’s nothing new.  Sometimes,  I do get fed up with sex and want nothing to do with it.  I’ve known all along that it’s not the be all and end all.  How could it be?  It isn’t the ultimate issue for anyone, whether they know it or not.  Sexual preference isn’t the ultimate issue for anyone, whether they know it or not.  What is the ultimate issue?  Do I know?  Do I know how to live my life?  Do I know how to help you to live yours?

O, Father-Mother, help me to be a whole and happy human being.  Help me to achieve my human potential, whatever it is.  Sex isn’t that big a deal.  We all adjust to it or with it, depending on our unique experiences and inclinations.  Most of us manage to assimilate it into a functional human personality.  It may not be normal, traditional, moral, or conventional, but it works for me.  It gets me through the day and night.  It has propelled me through my lifetime.  I had thought, and even hoped, that I might outgrow sex.  I didn’t want to have to deal with sex, especially my aberrant sense of it.  I didn’t want sex to be an issue for me, but it always has been, and I have not discovered the way to nullify it.  I’m tired.  I’m old and fat.  I’m discouraged.  Sex is not a pretty thing for someone my age.  It’s really not a pretty thing for anyone.  Sex is not kind, sweet, affectionate.  It’s selfish.  Sex tends to selfishness.  Sex is the highest form of affection and approval that some people know how to give to another.  People tend to understand or relate to sex.  People associate sex with affection, which can be an unfortunate assumption to make.  But, it’s easy and convenient to reduce affection to sex, and our popular culture does it all the time.  People do it all the time. Sex is like water:  Insidious, it seeps in and can be difficult to contain.

I tried over many years to hold myself and others to a higher standard.  I’m not sure what I accomplished by doing so, but I tried to distinguish affection, friendship, and relationship from sexuality in my own experience.  Quixotic.  Lonely.  Obsolete.  Counterproductive?  Narrow?  I don’t know.  Did I do the right thing?  What did I achieve?  How different would things have been for me if I had not been so narrow about sex?  How did we get to the point where sex became so determinative of individual experience?  How did we get to the point where sex became so powerful over human life?  Has it always been?  What is the significance of contemporary sexuality?  What does it mean?  How has it affected my life?  It’s kind of late for me to be experimenting with and exploring sexual potential.  I’m kind of old for that.  I’m kind of fat and unappealing for that.  But, after all this time, after all I’ve been through, sex is still here.  The thing I like about sex is that it brushes by personal idiosyncrasies to an intense personal engagement with the other.  Sex is not delicate.  Sex isn’t picky.  Sex covers a multitude of sins.  Sex isn’t shy.  Sex breaks through shyness.  Sex breaks through barriers.  Whether that is a good thing or not, I don’t know.  Aren’t reserve and circumspection good qualities for men and women to have?  Isn’t it good to keep some things private?  Can we balance the longing to connect with the dignity of privacy?  Can we connect meaningfully with other human beings and be dignified men and women?

Getting the Goods

PERSONALITY, BUSINESS, SUPPLY

There’s a lot of things that poor men and women want from life.  We get some of those things, but there are a lot of things that we may never get or get enough of.  Life can be very stingy about some things.  And a lot of times, it doesn’t matter how much you want it, or how hard you work for it, you ain’t gonna get it.  That’s just the way it is.  And, like it or not, there are things that you won’t get because the world doesn’t take a liking to you.  It doesn’t matter how smart, talented, and deserving you think you are, if the world don’t take a liking to you, it’s gonna hold back from giving you the goods.  It doesn’t matter how good, faithful, patient, and moral you are, if the world doesn’t like the cut of your jib, it will shortchange you and give the goods to somebody else, who may well be less deserving than you are.  Go figure.  Be good if you want to, but don’t expect the world to reward you for it.

The trick is to figure out how to get the goods whether the world likes me as a person or not.  My personality shouldn’t matter.  It shouldn’t be an issue.  Business is business, and commerce is business.  To hell with personality.  If I can give you something that you want, and you’re willing to pay me fairly for it, that’s all that matters as far as commerce is concerned.  The ultimate source of supply is Spirit, God.  Substance is Spirit.  But, as long as I have to participate in the world’s business, I want to figure out how to get as much as I can out of it.  I want to figure out how to give you something that you want and make you pay for it, regardless of my personality or yours.  Let’s keep personality out of it as much as we can, and let’s do business.  Thank you very much.

God's Gift

LOVE, SEXUALITY, STRIFE

The man who says that sex is a gift from God cannot love as God loves.  God’s love is not sexual.  Saying that God gives sex as a gift to man, sexualizes God’s love.  There’s no way around it, no escape from this logical conclusion.  God is not sexual.  Divine Love is not sexual.  Blaming God for sex and attaching it to His nature legitimizes it.  As long as heterosexuals claim sex as a gift from God, they will never have a legitimate claim against homosexuality.  The heterosexual cannot claim a divine right to sexuality that he denies to the homosexual.

I do not argue the legitimacy of homosexuality, but proclaim the ultimate illegitimacy of all sensuality and lust.  I do not claim to be sufficient for these things, but honor their goodness and truth.  God is Love, and His love is not sensual, neither heterosexual nor homosexual.  And he whose affections are sensual cannot love as God loves.

Humanity binds homosexuals to lust by defining and limiting love to sensual forms of expression, and the homosexual doesn’t even know what’s happening.  The homosexual believes that God made him that way, when he needs to understand that mortal belief made him that way.  The dominant, heterosexual attachment to lust enslaves homosexuals into the bargain.  Homosexuals are fond of saying that they didn’t choose to be homosexual, that God or nature determined their sexual disposition, and that it must be good.  However, God didn’t do it, it’s not good, and heterosexual culture and religion promulgated it.  Heterosexuality produced homosexuality and ended up calling it good in defense of itself.  Homosexuals fight for the right to be wrong, and heterosexuals instigated the farce.

If men and women knew how to love as God loves, there would be less sensuality and homosexuality would dissolve as a social issue.  But as long as heterosexuals claim a sexual prerogative from God, the struggle for homosexual equality will prosper and society will suffer.  The homosexual struggle is really humanity’s struggle to remain sensual.  All any of us wants is to be loved.  And if we were to feel the love we long for, the obsession with sex would diminish until it finally disappears.

Modern Power Politics

POLITICS, MORALITY, HOMOSEXUALITY

Morality has been reduced from an ancient tradition and system of revelation and demonstration to modern, political shibboleths.  Goodness is no longer the standard of morality.  Agreement and deference to human opinion and will-power is the test of modern, secular morality.  Social endorsement of homosexuality has become a major benchmark or indicator of compliance with federal morality.  Who could have predicted this development?  How did it happen?  What sustains it?  I believe that the despotic will to control others is fundamental to modern politics.

Political activism is the constant, increasing effort to subjugate the masses to the arbitrary designs of the few.  The particular issues used to extend and exercise personal power are of minor consequence compared with the success of enforcing it through the political system.  It is the enjoyment of subjecting others to personal power which is at work in modern politics and social structures.  If political activists can make a social shibboleth out of homosexuality, which is objectionable to most people, what can they not do?  Is there any limit to the power of the few in modern politics?  If there is a limit to modern despotism, who will enforce it?  Who will fight back against modern political oppression and exploitation?  Who will lead the way?

Homosexual marriage is a political, not a moral, issue.  Homosexuality is a personal, moral issue.  I’m a homosexual.  I’ve been a homosexual for most of my poor, little life.  I am neither proud nor embarrassed by my sexuality.  I came to terms with it a long time ago, and I didn’t need Democrats, liberals, and political activists to help me figure it out.  I figured it out on my own.  I made my own decisions about it, and lived with them for better or worse.  Did I make the right decisions?  Are there things I would have done differently?  I made the decisions that were right for me at the time.  There are things I would have done differently if I could have.  I would have done things differently if things had been different.  Doesn’t everyone feel that way about their lives, straight or gay?  I wish I had done this or that.  I wish I had not been sexually shy and uptight.  Maybe I should not have been so moral in my social life and relationships.  Maybe I should not have been so reticent about my sex.  Maybe I should have given religion a rest.  Religious zeal and a healthy libido, especially a deviant libido, don’t work well together.  Spirituality or sensuality will dominate in the person, or they will conflict to the detriment of both.

I reserved a place in myself for sex, because I was never confident that God would connect me intimately to other people.  Is that weird?  Do other people do that?  Well, the sex never did it for me either, while we’re talking about it.  There’s something about my personality, aside from spiritual or sexual aspects, that will not win people over.  To be spiritual or sexual with the expectation of human intimacy and companionship is naïve, irresponsible, foolish.  Perhaps the contest between sex and spirituality needs to be decided on a more exalted basis than the success or failure of human relationships.  The truth is that neither spirituality nor sex, in different combinations or concentrations, would have made much difference to my relationships.  Relationships are the consequence of your human personality, which is made up of culture, psychology, personality, and physique.

There are essential things about your personality that cannot be changed by either sex or spiritual sense.  Accept it.  Live with it.  Enjoy your relationships in the light of who you are personally, spiritually, and sexually.  Grant and enjoy the freedom of allowing others to make their own decisions about you, pro, con, or somewhere in between.  Don’t go crazy trying to succeed in mortality.  Accept and honor the mediocrity of your social and commercial endeavors.  They express the extent of your human accomplishment.  It’s only human.  It’s your humanity.  It’s your poor, little life with all of its sweetness and frustration.