Sacred Time

SUCCESS, ACCOMPLISHMENT, DISAPPOINTMENT, MEDIOCRITY

This sacred time. This sacred hour. Writing. Journal. Story. Biography. O Lord! Poor, little man that I am, I do love this time that I spend writing. Praying. Sorting things out. Trying to communicate. Trying to be heard. Trying to hear myself. Trying to express myself. Trying to be true to myself and others. I might not be the best man on the planet, but I have tried to be good and to improve myself as I have gone along. Trying to be loving and kind. Wanting to be loved. Wanting to be honest. Enjoying sex. Enjoying friendship. Loving God. Loving prayer, contemplation, and worship. Not understanding many things. Trying to understand what I can. Trying to do my best based on the little that I do know. Loving God. Loving men. Loving women. Admiring men. Attracted to men. Appreciating the beauty of men. Being sexual. Being homosexual. Not being ashamed of my sexuality. Not understanding my sexuality. Not knowing what there is to understand about sex, other than pursuing and being pursued by men with mutual sexual interests. Not understanding the power and the importance of sex to me and the world I live in. I am a naïve man. Naïve, ignorant, or both.

It’s awful to want to be something and not be able to achieve it. It’s awful to try hard without succeeding. It’s no fun to fail. It’s no fun to be mediocre. I think everyone would like to succeed in life. Everyone would like to succeed at something. We have dreams, hopes, aspirations, goals. We go to school, work, study, pray, communicate, observe, promote, persevere, persist, improve, progress, learn. It often seems like the return on our investment of time and effort is inadequate, other than the satisfaction of having done something well, learning something new, and contributing to the accomplishment of a worthy goal.

We have images of ourselves that we try to cultivate. I have an image of the man I want to be. I have an image of the man I think I am. I might have an image of myself that I want others to accept and respond to. I might want to be treated in a way that confirms the way I see myself. I want to be successful. I want to be financially secure. I want to prosper. I want good friends. I want to bless others. I want to be a good housekeeper and host. I want to be happy. I want to meet hot men for sex. I want to have sexual friendships. I want to have sex with my male friends. I want to make friends with my sexual hook-ups. I don’t want to be ashamed of sex, or of my sexuality. I don’t want sex to be my top priority, but I want to learn how to be comfortable with it. I want to learn how to integrate my sexuality with the rest of my life. I want to reserve a place for sex with the more important aspects of my life.






Photo: Portrait of Jamie Wise (Cecilie Harris, 2012). ©2015 Boys by Girls. Retrieved September 10, 2015, from http://www.boysbygirls.co.uk/images/resized/images/uploads/JamieWise_NS24_900_1350_s.jpg