Rumination #2

LOVINGKINDNESS, SEX, SPIRIT

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends (John 15). What greater love is there than to give up one’s own life for another person? Relative. Friend. Stranger. Human being. Innocent beast. Mighty tree. It is a spiritual gift to be willing to give up one’s own life to benefit or bless another than one’s self. I am very small. Tiny. Insignificant. Mediocre. I don’t matter much. I live. I love. I am drawn to others in the world. I am drawn to Spirit. Spiritual ideas. Consciousness. Pure thought. Purity. Love. Hope. Health. Art. Writing. I have struggled all my life, and I don’t even know what I’m struggling for. What is it that I want? What am I looking for? What do I expect out of life? Happiness. Health. Success. Love. Sex. Romance. Involvement. Comradeship. Time’s a wastin, my friend. It won’t be too long and my sojourn here will be done. I don’t know how it will end, or when, but it isn’t too far off. Why have I had to struggle so much? Is it my fault? Is it something that I did? Something I did wrong? Is it the way I look? Is it because of what I am? What did I do to deserve this? What did I neglect to do that I should have done? O Lord. Fear not, ye have done all this wickedness, yet turn not aside from following the LORD, and serve the LORD with all your heart (I Samuel 12). Spiritual sense, the spiritual life, is a deeply personal thing. It is possible to have a deep spiritual commitment that doesn’t impress others. Worldly ambition and desire is antithetical to the spiritual life. Love God and worship Him unselfishly. Selfless worship is the essence of spiritual sense. I don’t have a lot of time left, and there’s no reason to think that the remainder will be any better than the past. Life isn’t about my personal pleasure and happiness. It is tempting to think that it is, but it’s not. What is it about? Doing the right thing when it needs to be done. Being a good friend. Being a good son. Doing my duty. Acts of kindness. Acts of love. Lovingkindness. Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee (Jeremiah 31). Being there. Being present. Blessing. Blessedness. Making someone else’s life better.

I like sex. I like men. I like women too. I don’t always have enough time and energy for sex, and there are more important things to think about and do. There are more important things for me to do with my time and energy than to pursue sex. Sometimes, I think I should just give it up altogether and live the celibate life. Celibacy would be more peaceful and dignified than the foam and fury of illegitimate living (Eddy, 1906, p. 203). We roar all like bears, and mourn sore like doves: For our transgressions multiply before thee, and our sins testify against us (Isaiah 59).

I used to think that my devotion to divine Love would attract like-minded people. I used to think that my spirituality would place me among Spirit-filled men and women. I used to think that I had a spiritual vocation. I do have a calling to love and worship Father-Mother God. But, who cares? Why should anyone care? I don’t do it for them. I do it because Father-Mother called me to do it. I don’t do it to win over the world. What power do I have to win a world? I am powerless, as the world keeps reminding me. Have mercy upon me, O LORD, for I am weak (Psalms 6). My love for you is not a vocation. It’s just love. I don’t want anything from you. I don’t expect to be rewarded for loving you, other than the pure joy of doing it. Peace. Contentment. Forgiveness. Meekness. Reformation. I used to think that the world would be drawn to my spirituality and reward me for it. I have learned that the world doesn’t care about my spirituality. The world doesn’t particularly care about me. I don’t necessarily want to live for the world. I live in the world, and there are things that it requires of me while I’m here. But, I don’t want to live for the world. I want to live for Father-Mother. I want to live for spiritual sense. Vision. Love. Light. Enlightenment. I will give my life in the world for the ones I love. I will not grasp at my own desires and priorities to the exclusion of the ones I love. I used to think that the world would reward me for my spirituality. What made me think that? It’s not that I wanted the world to reward me; I just thought that it would. I thought it only natural that Love would elicit its likeness. I was wrong. Maybe I thought too highly of myself and what I have been doing all these years. Maybe I am wrong about me and the world. Better the frugal intellectual repast with contentment and virtue, than the luxury of learning with egotism and vice (Eddy, 1906, p. 452). I never did get it. I never understood what the world was up to. I kind of understood what I was up to, and expected a sympathetic response. Silly me. I got more like a sexual than a sympathetic response. The world never could get over me and sex. I don’t get it. I don’t understand it, but I know that it's true. The world harps on my sexuality. How should I respond? How should I have responded? I never was successful at elevating the world’s response to me. I tried and have been faithful to the effort for a long time. I thought I had more to offer. I thought that my perspective was practical and healthy. I had vision and insight. I saw the way things work. I knew how to communicate. I was not afraid. I was calm and happy. I thought I was a good person to have around. I thought I was a worthwhile contributor to endeavor. I thought I was cooperative and practical. I thought I served both God and man at work. But, maybe it didn’t matter that much. Or, maybe it mattered more than I thought. God loveth a cheerful giver (II Corinthians 9).

References

Eddy, M. B.  (1906).  Science and health with key to the scriptures.  Boston, MA:  The Christian Science Board of Directors.

Holy bible (King James version).  (n. d.).  Boston, MA:  The Christian Science Publishing Society.