What's It Worth?

ABDULLAH, COY, SERVANT, FOOL

Let’s not be either coy or dishonest. I’m a homosexual. I’ve been a homosexual for a long time. Homosexuality is my sexuality. Homosexuality is the sex I want. Homosexuality is the sex I desire. I’m not saying that my sexual position or orientation is right or moral; I’m simply saying that it’s what I am. For what it’s worth . . .  I’m not trying to teach anyone. I’m just a big blabber-mouth. I spend time writing. I spend time trying to write. I spend time doing other stuff than writing. Matthew and Elias. It was all Elias at first, but Matthew has come forward. Matthew has stepped up. There’s no fool like an old fool, and I’m an old fool. It took me a long time to learn that guys were more interested in having sex with me than they were in plumbing the depths of my intellect or spirituality. It has taken me a long time to learn how the world works. It has taken me a long time to learn what men are like and what they want. I want sex and relationships on my terms. I want to make decisions about the relationships I have with men in my life. I don’t want to be the butt of other people’s decisions about me. I want to have some say about the way my life turns out. It has taken me a long time to see that spirituality is a personal choice and a way of life. It’s not a career. Spirituality is not a career choice. It’s a way of life choice. Spirituality isn’t what one does to win others over. It’s not a popularity contest. I don’t devote myself to spiritual things with the thought that others should take note. I can’t control how others see me. I can’t require that other people see me the way I see myself. Each of us views the world through a personal lens. I made decisions about my life. I made decisions about how to live my life. I did what I thought was best. I did what I thought was right. I have always tried to do the right thing. I have not always known what the right thing is.