My Mess

BOYS, GIRLS, LIFE, LOVE

I am sorry that I’m such a mess. I wish I had more control over my life, but I haven’t been very good at mastering my fate. Spirituality. Christian Science. Art. Writing. Sex. Homosexuality. Masturbation. Land surveying. Mapping. Drafting. Autocad. ArcGIS. Penn State. MGIS. Master of Geographic Information Systems. David DiBiase. Jim Sloan. Karen Schuckman. Patrick Kennelly. Anthony Robinson. ESRI. Life is full of good and interesting things. It can be difficult to choose just a few to concentrate on, but we have to. We have to make good, practical choices for ourselves and our loved ones. We have to learn how to move things along in life. Progress. Accomplishment. Success.

I’m so grateful for the experience of earning my master’s degree at Penn State. I loved it. I worked hard at it. I enjoyed it. I did well. I did better than I thought I would. It filled my life with meaning and purpose, valuable knowledge, information, and experience. Now that it’s done, I don’t really know what to do with it. I don’t have to do anything with it. I did it. In a sense, it’s over and I have moved on to other things in my life. My life has moved on. Why do I have to do anything with it? It’s done.

Spirituality. Writing. Sex. Home. Yarmouth. There’s a lot of things I don’t understand and will never understand. I can’t understand everything. I think through what I can and do my best to function in the world on the little that I know. There isn’t just one thing in life. Life is a patchwork quilt, an amalgamation of things. Poor mortals do a balancing act with life, to get through it. There isn't just one thing. There may be a hierarchy of things, and mastery comes from figuring out what the harmonious, optimum arrangement of those things is. But, it can take a lifetime to figure things out. Life is almost over by the time we plumb its depths and figure it out. So, we do the best we can in thought, word, and deed to live our poor, little lives and enjoy them.

I am a homosexual for better or worse, I’m still not sure which. All I know is that I have had a sexual interest in other guys since I first learned about sex. And, I first learned about sex from boys my own age. That’s how sex started for me. If it had started differently, maybe my sexuality would have developed differently. I will never know. All I know is that I’ve always liked guys sexually and I still do. My sexual attraction to other guys has been one of the greatest pleasures of my life. That’s got to be one of the reasons that I never got married. Marriage would be a lie, or at least a stretch, for me. Why put myself or anyone else through that kind of an elaborate, twisted charade? It has never seemed right or fair to me to abuse marriage that way. Marriage as pretense. Marriage as sex therapy. Marriage as moral obfuscation. Marriage as business and social strategy. I never had any reason to believe that my sexual attraction to other guys would magically disappear if I married a girl, but life could get real complicated real fast if I did. I’d just as soon keep things the way they are. Things are complicated enough as it is without dragging some poor girl into my moral dilemma and making my problem hers.

What is my problem? I never allowed myself to have the fun I wanted with other guys. I fantasized a lot. I hoped a lot. I expected a lot. But, I didn’t do enough to get what I wanted sexually with other guys. I should have been more sexually proactive as a young man. What was I waiting for? Who was I waiting for? A prince in shining armor? The perfect man or woman? The love of my life? The perfect friend? Platonic love? Was I waiting for someone else to make my moral decisions for me? Was I waiting for a man or woman to come along and make things right for me? Unrealistic expectations.

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