Homemaking and Housekeeping

HOMEMAKING, WORSHIP, WRITING

Things are not as they have been in the past. Things are not as I tried to make them in the past, and I have proven not to be sufficient for a lot of things. As life goes on, we learn what we are sufficient for and the pertinent lessons are not always easy. I would like to spend more time being a homemaker and housekeeper, which includes learning how to do it. I have not spent much time making a home for myself, and I regret it. I’m sixty years old and I haven’t made a real home for myself and others to enjoy. I have not learned how to be a good host. I don’t cook. I don’t entertain. I have not done the things that most other people do as normal parts of their lives. Whose fault is that? I made my own choices along the way to get where I am now. I did what I thought was best. I have done a few good things, but I have not accomplished what I had hoped to. Who can’t say that? Even very successful people say that.

I have to work, rest, and eat. Human life requires that I work to support myself. Biology requires that I take time to eat and sleep. Poor mortals work in order to do the other things in life that they would like to do. There is no life without work. It is essential. I choose to worship God, read, write, and socialize with my free time. It is up to me to figure out how most effectively to use my free time for the enjoyment of life. The efficient use of one’s own time is a universal, human challenge. Some of us do a better job than others. Some of us don’t even try.

I want to continue writing, as I have for many years. Thank you for the art of writing, Father-Mother; I do enjoy it. I want to worship God, as I have done from my youth. I want to make a real home for myself and others to enjoy. Homemaking and housekeeping require time and effort, work. I need to take the time and make the effort to have a real home, like other people do. I need to learn how most efficiently to schedule my activities for the best result. I need to discover what I’m capable of and do it.






Graphic retrieved November 27, 2015, from http://www.brooklynbreeder.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/vintage+housewife.jpg

Suffering Saints and Poor Little Men

SUFFERING, SAINTHOOD, HUMANITY

What happened to me, Lord? What happened to my life? It hasn’t turned out the way I had thought or hoped it would. It hasn’t turned out to be much of anything. Sex—the big bugaboo. Sex the mystery. Sex the big stumbling block. Naiveté. There are few people who are more naïve than I am. Sincerity and naiveté join forces to take a poor man nowhere.

Sex, whether I liked it or not, was always a big thing for me. I couldn’t get away from it in one form or another, and it’s still creeping around the margins of my life. If it could, it would work its way into the core of my being and take over. I doubt that I’ll let it take over but, after all these years, I still haven’t kicked it out. Celibacy, marriage, and casual sex. Choices. Celibacy is for saints, and I’m not a saint. Sainthood isn’t all about sex. Just because a man abstains from sex doesn’t make him a saint. People reduce everything to the lowest common denominator. Sexual abstinence is equated with holiness. Sexual indulgence is sin, and sexual deviance is wicked.

I would like to be a saint, but I am not. I’m not sure exactly what I am, but I’m not a saint. There’s a difference between catching a glimpse of yourself as spiritual idea and being a saint. I might have a sense of spiritual truth, but sainthood is conferred not claimed. There’s no such thing as a self-appointed saint. Mankind selects those for whom it has special reverence and elevates them to sainthood. The rest of us merely fend for ourselves in an indifferent, unfriendly world, buoyed by our spiritual intuition and the struggle to be always good. There’s nothing wrong with pursuing the spiritual life without worldly approbation or acclaim. One does not enter the spiritual path to win wealth, fame, and worldly approval. There are better ways to get rich quick. The spiritual way is peace, love, joy, and blessedness. Spirit is health and happiness. It doesn’t guarantee success or prosperity. We live in the world, but are not of it. Love God, and share his blessings with others summarizes the spiritual life.

It is possible, not probable, for me to be celibate. Going without sex is not my highest priority. Maybe it should be, but it never has been. That partly explains where I’m at in the world. Sometimes I think I should do more with sex than less. I like the idea of exploring the potential for sexual relationships. I seem to have reached a dead end with regular relationships. There’s got to be more to life than this. I could be very wrong, but I’ll give it a shot and make a correction if I have to. Sexual adventurism and experimentation. I should have done it a long time ago. I’m kind of old to be getting into this stuff now. But, I've always been a late bloomer and boys still like me.

Portrait retrieved November 6, 2015, from https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3VDZHbZVKDzhIyKCG8zCJEbVj3ZO7tHPpWmZz5c40t82pZCXwOPZ89C-9qX-VR7gr1QSLvMRoP-PRffMpHcpgUdt0XSypAMeZgcbbkiraPjYpVfaSHrBQnwXc-Km8T7Apy9Fa7vKhX-CM/s1600/ecce+homo+crown-thorns1.jpg

Humble Beginnings

INDIVIDUALITY, FAMILY, LIFE

I made my humble appearance in the world a long time ago. How special each one is to his own place and people, no matter how humble and unremarkable to the world! Maybe one makes a parochial impression for a moment only to blend in quickly with the great sea of humanity. There’s nothing perverse or shameful about being small and unremarkable in this vast world. It is the nature of things and the fate that most of us share.

I was born an innocent child to the extent that I was ignorant of the world and my place in it. I inherited the mantle of my parents’ humanity. I was influenced by their culture, education, history, experience, and aspirations. I am not only what my parents were and wanted me to be. I am partly that, but I am also myself, something original and unique to my personality and experience. Bonnie and I experienced many things together and with our parents. The lives of children are extensions of their parents’ lives. Our parents live on in us along with the people and things we acquire along the way. We are not only our parents’ children, but nor can we divorce ourselves from them. They are always with us.

Sacred Time

SUCCESS, ACCOMPLISHMENT, DISAPPOINTMENT, MEDIOCRITY

This sacred time. This sacred hour. Writing. Journal. Story. Biography. O Lord! Poor, little man that I am, I do love this time that I spend writing. Praying. Sorting things out. Trying to communicate. Trying to be heard. Trying to hear myself. Trying to express myself. Trying to be true to myself and others. I might not be the best man on the planet, but I have tried to be good and to improve myself as I have gone along. Trying to be loving and kind. Wanting to be loved. Wanting to be honest. Enjoying sex. Enjoying friendship. Loving God. Loving prayer, contemplation, and worship. Not understanding many things. Trying to understand what I can. Trying to do my best based on the little that I do know. Loving God. Loving men. Loving women. Admiring men. Attracted to men. Appreciating the beauty of men. Being sexual. Being homosexual. Not being ashamed of my sexuality. Not understanding my sexuality. Not knowing what there is to understand about sex, other than pursuing and being pursued by men with mutual sexual interests. Not understanding the power and the importance of sex to me and the world I live in. I am a naïve man. Naïve, ignorant, or both.

It’s awful to want to be something and not be able to achieve it. It’s awful to try hard without succeeding. It’s no fun to fail. It’s no fun to be mediocre. I think everyone would like to succeed in life. Everyone would like to succeed at something. We have dreams, hopes, aspirations, goals. We go to school, work, study, pray, communicate, observe, promote, persevere, persist, improve, progress, learn. It often seems like the return on our investment of time and effort is inadequate, other than the satisfaction of having done something well, learning something new, and contributing to the accomplishment of a worthy goal.

We have images of ourselves that we try to cultivate. I have an image of the man I want to be. I have an image of the man I think I am. I might have an image of myself that I want others to accept and respond to. I might want to be treated in a way that confirms the way I see myself. I want to be successful. I want to be financially secure. I want to prosper. I want good friends. I want to bless others. I want to be a good housekeeper and host. I want to be happy. I want to meet hot men for sex. I want to have sexual friendships. I want to have sex with my male friends. I want to make friends with my sexual hook-ups. I don’t want to be ashamed of sex, or of my sexuality. I don’t want sex to be my top priority, but I want to learn how to be comfortable with it. I want to learn how to integrate my sexuality with the rest of my life. I want to reserve a place for sex with the more important aspects of my life.






Photo: Portrait of Jamie Wise (Cecilie Harris, 2012). ©2015 Boys by Girls. Retrieved September 10, 2015, from http://www.boysbygirls.co.uk/images/resized/images/uploads/JamieWise_NS24_900_1350_s.jpg

A Society with Secrets

SECRET, SEX, HOMOSEXUALITY, CRUISING

The kind of sex I like is like belonging to a secret society. Homosexuals find ways to identify each other, connect, and have sex. Lots of guys want to do it, but no one wants to admit it, or pursue relationships based on it. Guys want to do it, but they also want to sweep it under the rug. It’s not the kind of thing that comes up in polite conversation. I never thought of myself this way, but maybe I’m just a big pervert after all. I always thought I was more than that, better than that. But, it turns out that I’ve just been a big perv all along. Pity the fool! I am a big perv, and a religious man following a spiritual path. How does that work? I’m not sure, but I’ve been doing it for a long time.

One of the most powerful things that ever happened to me was to learn about sex. Pure and simple. That might be true for most people, a lot of people, some people? It seems like sex is an important part of most people’s lives, why not mine? Am I special? I have been tempted at times to believe that I am, for a number of reasons. But, here I am still schlepping through life, a mediocre mortal just doing the best I can. Still trying to figure things out. Still trying to make the best of things. Trying to enjoy my life. I don’t want to save the world. I just want to enjoy it while I'm in it. It doesn't matter how special I am if no one notices, and I have never been one to conduct a campaign to make people notice me. I like the idea of leaving people alone, and being left alone. If I have to make you, I don't want it.

I still like sex. It isn’t pretty any way you look at it, but it can be especially gruesome with age and unfit physiques. I am not body beautiful, but there are still guys and girls out there who want to have sex with me. I don’t know why. They probably don’t know why. Sex isn't intellectual. It just happens. I know it when I see it. I don’t have to figure it out to enjoy it. I don’t have to figure it out at all.

Photo: The Meat Rack on Fire Island. ©2015 David Shankbone. Retrieved August 15, 2015, from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cruising_for_sex#/media/File:A_man_racking_himself_in_The_Meatrack_on_Fire_Island.jpg.

Prom Night

BOYS, FRIENDS, PROM, FUN

Straight boy asks gay friend to go to prom with him. That’s kind of cool. Interesting. A comment on friendship, love, sexuality, and proms. Friendship is better than sex. Love is the force that makes friendship happen. What better way to enjoy a special event than to share it with a friend? What better way to enjoy life than to share it with people you love. Friendship is the thing. Love is the thing. It turns out that sex is not the thing after all. Two boys going to the prom together, because they’re friends, is what it’s all about.

Having It Both Ways

CELIBACY, SEX, SPIRITUALITY, MARRIAGE

I don’t have to be sexual if I don’t want to be. It’s up to me. I can be celibate if I want to, if I think that it would be a good thing. No one is holding a gun to my head about sex. The thing with sex is to have it with the people you are sexually attracted to. Don’t twist it into some kind of a moral or social obligation. Sexual adventure. Sexual adventurism. Getting sex where you find it. Finding sex where you get it. I’m not going to find the kind of sex I want by marrying a nice girl. I will find a dishonest, unstable relationship with a nice a girl by marrying her, and I will still want to find attractive guys to have sex with. Girls deserve guys who are sexually attracted to them. I’m not necessarily looking for a relationship with a guy by having sex with him. I’m not necessarily trying to befriend a guy by having sex with him. We don’t have to become lifelong buddies to have sex together. I don’t have to marry a guy to jerk off with him. Marriage would be an extreme investment to make for the privilege of jerking off with a sexy guy. Who came up with this idea of gay marriage? I’d like to punch him in the nose. Society wants to make sex serious, and it’s not. There’s a reason why they call it gay sex. I don’t want to make sex something more than it is. I’m not saying that it’s a little, inconsequential thing. Let’s just not attach more importance to it than it deserves, or call it something that it isn’t.

Can I be both a spiritual man and a sexual man? Can I be both spiritual and sexual? Isn’t that what I have been all these years? Isn’t that what I’ve been doing? Can I enjoy the spiritual blessings of Christianity and the pleasure of gay sex? I won’t even go so far as to address gay marriage. That’s more of a political issue than anything else, and I become more averse to politics as time goes on. I’m more interested in having good sex with a hot guy than I am in getting married to him. That’s always been true for me. I have led a double life that is not conducive to the contemplation of gay marriage as a realistic possibility. Gay marriage hasn’t been on my radar. I’m too busy trying to survive and prosper as a homosexual man with delusions of spiritual grandeur.

What right do I have to approach the throne of God? Maybe I have as much right as any other man. Maybe. What right do I have to pray and read the Bible? What right do I have to be and do good to others? What right do I have to rely on God for healing? Am I good enough to worship God? Am I good enough to lead a spiritual life? Do I lead a spiritual life? Can I lead a spiritual life as a homosexual man? Can I rejoice spiritually and enjoy gay sex? That’s what I’d like to do.

Photo: F. Jimenez Meca ©2003 - 2015 Shutterstock. Retrieved July 28, 2015, from http://www.shutterstock.com/pic.mhtml?irgwc=1&id=123837982&tpl=10078-42119