PANERA, PRAYER, FRIENDSHIP
The men meet to pray at Panera. All kinds of men, young and old and in-between. One handsome boy. Too handsome to be too good. I know how that works. I see them there. I go to stuff my face. I go to get going for the day. They don’t notice me; they’re too busy praying. They’re too busy asking God to forgive them their trespasses. I’m too busy stuffing my face with bacon soufflé. I pray. I pray a lot. I pray all the time. I don’t so much pray to be forgiven as I do for help to get through the day. I’m kind of old and fat and tired to do much damage anymore. I’m just looking for help to get through the day.
As physically repulsive as I am, I still like to masturbate. I could have made a career out of masturbation if anyone had let me, or if I had pursued it hard enough. That was my problem: I never pursued anything hard enough. I spent my whole life waiting for things to fall in my lap. I spent my whole life waiting for good stuff to come to me, instead of going out to get it. I was too vain, timid, or stupid to take care of myself. I didn’t have the courage to get what I wanted. I was a coward. I was shy. I was deluded. I was stupid. Ignorant. Lazy. Over-confident.
The funny thing is that everyone masturbates now. We are a culture of masturbators. Proud masturbators, whatever the hell that means. I mean, I like to masturbate as much as the next guy, but I don’t know that I’m particularly proud of it. Isn’t there a shade of difference between enjoying it and being proud of it? I enjoy eating ice cream, but I’m not proud of eating ice cream. It’s just something that I do. I love the guys who fantasize about sex with girls while they masturbate with each other. What’s that all about? Maybe it’s that the fantasy of sex with girls and the reality of sex with guys is better than the reality of sex with girls. Guys jerking off together is more fun and more readily available than having sex with girls. With guys, the sex is the relationship. With girls, the sex requires a relationship.
Am I a fucking expert on anything? Do I need to be? My experience is my expertise. Men want to succeed at relationships with women. It’s a rite of passage. It’s one of life’s fundamental challenges. It’s a basic part of the adventure of living as a man. Learning how to get along with women. Learning how to make female friends. Sexual pleasure. Sexual enjoyment. Fantasy. Reality. Desire. Homosexuality. Same-sex attraction.
Why do I prefer sex with guys? Why is sex with guys so comfortable and easy for me? What does sexual involvement have to do with friendship? Who needs friends, as long as there are guys to jerk off with? It’s better to have sex with guys because you don’t have to worry about hurting their feelings. The better the sex with a girl, the more likely you are to hurt her feelings. Sex with girls draws guys into relationships that they don’t want. Sex yes, romance no. It’s the difference in the relationships that guys have with each other versus the relationships that men have with women. Some guys don’t want an intense relationship with anyone of either sex. Intense relationships are not their thing. Intensity is not their thing. The intense relationship of a man with a woman is marriage. The intense relationship of a guy with his buddy is casual, uninhibited sex. Relationships between men and women are complex. The relationship of a guy to his buddy is simple, physical, and intense.
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