On the Edge

EDGE, ABYSS, ART, SEX

Crying in the wilderness. Crying on the edge of the abyss. Disaster. None of us is immune. None of us is too good to suffer. And in this miserable world, all I have left is to come here and speak my mind. The world, my life, is slowly, inexorably falling apart, but I still have the power, sometimes, to come here and have my say. It’s a good thing. It may be the last good thing. It’s not unusual to be alone and lonely. It’s the human condition. It’s not unusual to be left alone. I don’t come here because I have an audience. I am my own audience. I’m performing to an empty hall. And that’s OK. I can live with that. It doesn’t diminish my desire to write and my enjoyment of it. As time goes on, I may find that I am not able to write. I might not be well enough to write. But, I have faith in writing and I will keep on doing it as long as I can.

It is a dreadful thing to work for nothing. It is a dreadful thing to try to improve oneself without reward. It is startling and incomprehensible that earnest endeavor fails. We don’t understand it. It doesn’t seem right. That’s not the way things are supposed to work, we believe from our human perspective. We want the world to be fair. We want life to be fair.

I don’t have a problem with the homosexual thing. I don’t have a problem with being homosexual. Who cares? Who ever cared? My thing has always been that I don’t really have time for it. There’s other things I want to do with my time and energy than to track down guys for sex. And, I don’t want to conduct tortured, emotional negotiations for it. I’m a homosexual. If it’s convenient for me to have sex with a guy I like, I’ll do it. That’s my sexual morality. I also have satisfying, compelling, platonic relationships with men and women. My life is not driven or dominated by sexual desire. It never has been.

Sex has been a powerful aspect of my life. I would like to have more time for it. I'd like to have more leisure time. But, I’m just struggling to survive here. I’m just struggling to keep it going here. I’m trying to avoid falling over the edge and being eternally lost. I don’t have much time for sex and don’t know if I ever will. What a life. I don’t get it. I don’t know what it is that I’m supposed to get, but whatever it is eludes me.

Photograph:  DNY59 | Vetta | Gerry Images  ©2015  CNBC LLC.  All rights reserved.  Retrieved May 12, 2015, from http://fm.cnbc.com/applications/cnbc.com/resources/img/editorial/2012/12/12/100307217-fiscal-cliff-businessman-holding-on-gettyp.530x298.jpg?v=1361288112